“I felt like who I was was entangled in being ‘a sick person.'” -a testimonial from Will Reiser, on 50/50
Creation Enterprises, a subsidiary of Cosmic Cruelty Inc., would like to inform you of an exciting opportunity. You could be… a “sick person.” In the past, this exclusive product has been reserved for the physically and actually sick, but no longer! The healthy public will be over the moon (or under the weather) for feeling like sick people, and Creation Enterprises has just the right package for you at an unbelievable price!
Let’s hear from Sam Hedges, a thirty-year-old, healthy white hipster living in suburban Albuquerque. Until now, Sam has lived his whole pathetic life devoid of obstacles, in a state of horrific assumptions. “I just always assumed I had to be healthy unless I was actually sick. I didn’t know I had options,” says Sam, loyal customer and proud “sick person”. Go for a run? Sure! Laugh so hard you feel light headed? No questions required! Stay out all night drinking? Okay! Have rough sex? Automatically! Push your body to its limits? Sounds fun!
No, Sam. It’s horrible.
Like so many, Sam’s sense of freedom was incredibly limited. He had a disgusting, trusting relationship with his own body. Now, thanks to Creation Enterprises, he can affect the cautious phobia, nay, the ENTIRE identity of a sick person!
Creation Enterprises, subsidiary of Cosmic Cruelty Inc. and its semi-demonic overlord Cold Indifference Co., has opened the millennial floodgates. Want to squander your youth chasing down mysterious symptoms and obsessing over imaginary health issues? Ready to rob your own life of its ability to be enjoyed? Creation Enterprises is here for you!
How about adopting the identity of a heart attack survivor? Imagine in gruesome detail having a heart attack: the uncontrollable squeezing of your chest, the perspiring, the seizing, the world falling away from you as you die. Splendid! Now picture surviving that, only to sit around, avoiding exertion and waiting for another heart attack to take you! Rapture! LIFE, undisturbed by bliss, now a perpetual state of fluctuating anxiety and depression and a total absence of normalcy! On sale for the small price of a regular therapist who accepts Medicaid!
That’s not all. Cold Indifference Co. and its innumerable branches are offering an exclusive bonus not available to actual sick people. Sign up in the next 20 minutes, and you get Invalidation to go alongside your Collapsed Lung, free of charge! The actually sick are burdened with basic recognition of their problem, not to mention treatment and social support. Not for you! You will enjoy freedom from acknowledgement for the pain you’re enduring. Those poor cardiac survivors attend appointments with health psychologists, love from their caring families. Poor, affirmed bastards.
With this bonus offering, the selling price of a Clonazepam stolen from your parents’ medicine cabinet, you’ll receive the symptoms AND the estrangement!
Just ask Sam Hedges, loyal customer and avid health freak. “I rarely thought about my health. Since purchasing the Cardiac-Respiratory Package for the bargain price of life’s pleasure, my brain has basically totally rewired itself! The process is simple and safe, and there were technical staff always ready to answer my questions, like, ‘Am I dying?’ The answer was always ‘Yes!’ While my neighbors walk their dogs and enjoy the fresh air, I drown out everything with the screaming of my own heart and lungs! It’s like being a different species! Thanks Creation Enterprises!”
This is just the beginning for customers like Sam. As a member of our exclusive Health Anxiety Club, he will enjoy our lifelong benefits, such as frequent opportunities to upgrade with new packages at discounted rates. Just wait til he sees our Cancer products!
Creation Enterprises, Cosmic Cruelty Inc., and its dark, terrifying demigod Cold Indifference Co., are not responsible for any lapses into mental stability and wellness. Customers who accidentally accept their pain or comes to term with their health anxiety as a path towards a calmer, more mindful life are not our problem, nor is anything else, because nothing matters, and we all die alone.