What am I supposed to do when my heart is beating so hard?
Hoeing radicchio and escarole in the full sun of a high desert afternoon. Heat seems to fold itself around me, and I feel the unsettling pressure of something I can’t identify. It’s warm, yes, but mid-May temperature. So much worse is coming in another month. I’m tired, riding off unideal sleep and three months of hard labor to make this profitable month. But so what? People my age run their bodies ragged, don’t they? They love to push it.
And here I am, 30, doing some simple hoeing in 85 degree weather with beautiful clouds and a breeze, and my heart is beating out of my chest, making me feel panicked, making me feel dizzy, making me feel insubstantial and broken to the last sinew, waiting for a strong gust.
My current mindfulness exercise would have me write the following in the little notepad I keep in my carhartt overall pocket: