Your Panic Disorder on a Budget


Be Anxious, Not Broke

So you’re thinking about becoming anxious, borderline panic infested, but you aren’t exactly raking in the cash to support it….

Terror of the unknown doesn’t have to be expensive.  Does your hyperactive anxiety wreck your payday?  Is your crippling fear of mortality a drag on your dollar?  You may be a hypochondriac with a rotating list of fabricated health issues, like a self-diagnosed brain tumor or a misfiring heart valve.  Your anxiety has needs that, financially, can be a  burden.  Doctors bills, medication, emergency room visits, these things are all obstacles for you and your debilitating fixations!

For those wanting to foster a supportive environment for their overpowering neuroses or darkest fears, here are a few tips on how to do it without breaking the bank…

Anxiety ≠Money – The most important thing to remember is that your anxiety does not have to equal money.  In the list below, you will find a number of ways to actually strengthen anxiety’s hold while weakening it’s price tag.  Panic isn’t only for the posh!  Work on your narrative and challenge the idea that you can’t be neurotic and poor!

Compare Thyself –   It’s never wise to compare yourself to others, unless doing so inspires you to even greater heights of tension.  Chances are, you’re surrounded by supposedly healthy people, walking their dogs and binge drinking.   Their youthful ease is valuable in making you feel like a sick pile of crap infested with disease.  Imagine their slow heart rates, or compare your chronic fatigue with their boundless energy.  This will bolster your sense of isolation, cement anxiety’s hold on your life, and, most importantly, it’s a free resource for you and your downward spiral.

Keep your eyes bigger than your stomach – It’s a common trick amongst sugar addicts to pretend to order desert without actually ordering.  They simply construct a wish list of tasty temptations and fulfill the mind’s hunger while hanging onto their paycheck.  In a similar fashion, sex addicts will chronically masturbate to satiate their internal voice screaming for human touch.  You, a neurotic hypochondriac, want to rack up medical bills on expensive tests, but who has the money for that?

Why not make an exhaustive wish list of all your desired medical tests?  There’s no budgetary restrictions on your mind, after all.  Research symptoms for terminal illnesses to your heart’s content on WedMD – it’s free!  Check out obscure books from the library on cancer.  Savings!  Fantasize as often as you want on doctor’s visits and stress tests and terminal diagnoses.  Invite a friend to role play!  Low on cost, high on alienating behavior, and best of all, no annoying clean bills of health!

There’s no better time than the future – Just because you can’t afford thousands of dollars in desperation, doesn’t mean you can’t pretend that someday you will!  Maybe that job you’re unlikely to get due to your obsessive habits will come through, and then you can really let loose with your appointment scheduler!  The key is to keep it in the future and thereby suspend your personal development.  In the meantime, ignore the pressing reminders from your dwindling friends that you’re actually fine.  What do they know, you’re still going to get those tests!  For now, save money and avoid having to face your festering anxiety!

Shame is man’s best friend – Shame is a potent motivator.  From children to effeminate men, shame is unparalleled in its ability to repress undesirable behavior.  You’re terrified beyond all reason of some physical plague, yet you’re also fearful that you’re crazy and a candidate for pariahhood.  No one believes you, and your friends and family are quickly growing weary of your incessant problems.  They’ll probably pawn you off on a therapist, but what happens when the therapist gets tired of your stubborn will to be ill?  Remember, they charge extra for going over your time allotment!

Rather than find yourself alone with therapist’s bills, use your community’s disdain as an opportunity to save.  Your girlfriend sure as hell doesn’t want to date someone with massive debt and annoying mental problems, and you’re terrified of rejection!  Your parents really don’t care about what’s wrong with your circulation anymore, and you’re hot with humiliation!  These are all helpful motivators to keep your aberrant imagination working internally, and, thereby, helping you spend smart!  So, next time you’re calling the clinic, yet again, to schedule another appointment, think of your loved one’s rolling eyes and glazed faces.  Voila! No more appointments, lots of anxiety!

Anxiety = Fear = Eternal Cycle = No Friends = Die Alone = No Hopes or Dreams = A Lifetime of Misery = Debt Free!

Savvy planning can help you save money, but it’s important to remember that ever-piling bills are themselves useful aids for anxiety.  There are innumerable, cost-free ways to feed your fear!  Just be sure that massive debt or an imploding budget doesn’t distract you from what’s really important, i.e., that respiratory malfunction or parasitic worm that’s killing you, no matter what anyone says!


One comment

  1. Sly Fox · July 31, 2016

    This one is the funniest. I think because it’s the darkest and least precious. It skewers you more than it does the doctors, etc., so it’s not asking for pity or sympathy from the reader. The sympathy comes naturally because the skewered becomes sympathetic as a matter of course. Dealing more openly also with the feeling of isolation from everyone (family, friends) rather than the simple opposition to the physician gets to a problem everyone deals with at some point, if they’re honest. It makes this particular situation (your panic attacks and anxiety) relatable to people who fear they also will die alone, their lives misunderstood and wasted.

    Liked by 1 person

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